Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor