Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
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ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
ready to be harvested
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.