I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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c’mon!
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”