Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.