Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.