the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?