He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?