I only eat vegetarians.
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3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already