You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children