It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
i鈥檓 pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should鈥檝e made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: 鈥o
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet 鉂わ笍馃枙鉂わ笍
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I鈥檇 love to see their electric bill
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don鈥檛 have a boyfriend. 鈽癸笍鈽癸笍
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 馃幎
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Two types of dogs.
barbara was highly relatable
please sir. my succotash. it鈥檚 suffering.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it鈥檚 me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.