my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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