Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”