Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
yeah not falling for this one
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