My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Spa day..😅
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle