*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Breaking news:
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat