Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Cha-ching is my safe word
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life