[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.