1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.