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Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.