My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
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I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.