If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
decorating my apartment