One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You Might Also Like
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I put the h in mysterious.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of