Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
These work great until they don’t.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.