Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this