Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
got so much cardio in today
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.