Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point