I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Welcome
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!