Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.