going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Sponch
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese