I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
*looks at you in batman voice*
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Message from the dog groomers
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.