Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed