Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
some Old Testament wisdom