they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
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The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Ha.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Hotels are back
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.