We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
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“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
💯😂
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.