I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Love it! 👍😂
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”