Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
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i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m not wrong
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?