Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
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[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
good morning
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish