My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever