England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol