[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You Might Also Like
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.