Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.