her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
How it started How it’s going
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
For those that worship cheese..
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder