How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
why no one uses midhusbands
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.