“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
New mindset, who dis?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1