My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.