Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me: