Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I wish I could veto my bills.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!