[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.