“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
You Might Also Like
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My favorite farside!!
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.