My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
sensitive skin
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.